Which Team Will You Join?

'European Heritage' means 'White Team', right? (from gop.com)

A Hat-Tip, Horn Toot and Back Pat

Big hat-tip over to Craig at The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park for this hat-tip which links back to this article. We're all connected, but really, the only way you'll know anything about anything that's going on in the world is by reading blogs which point you at articles on other blogs.

And here's another hat-tip: when wearing a nice hat (such as a Fedora) do not remove it by the crown. Rather, you should use both hands on the brim to remove the hat. Removing it by the crown will cause the crown to become misshapen.

Literal Response -- The Way to Go!

If there's anything I hate more than figurative language, I don't know what it is. Figurative language is like a knife jammed into my skull, twisting around as it mixes up the vital gray matter contained within. People should only speak literally, without exaggeration, without metaphor or color.

That's why when someone says something, the best response is to take their comment completely literally and turn it right back on them.

For instance, say I've been talking about how much I love fish. I keep going on and on about how great fish are as pets and as dinner entrees. I love fish fish fish.

Then someone says something like, "Oh man, that guy loves bass so much, if he ate any more of it, he'd turn into one!"

That would get my goat. That would fry my chaps. That would raise my dander. My only choice would be to reply, "Hey! I've never said a damn thing about bass. Look through any comment I've ever made and you'll see not one thing about bass. You are incorrect, you jackass!"

That's what I would say.

Some might say that to do so would be ignoring the meat of the message; that a response of that nature would do nothing to further the debate (such as it was). Some might even call me deliberately obtuse or nitpicky or overly literal. Well all of those people can burn in hell. That's right. I said it. And that's all I have to say about that. If someone wants to add to a debate with me, they damn well better be as literal as a value, as opposed to an identifier, written into the source code of a computer program.

Report: Most Blogs Written by Same Person

Came across an interesting study today that will potentially threaten Rogers Park's status as the "5th bloggiest neighborhood." It turns out that most blogs in the area (not including this one, however) are written by the same person.

This so-called "Blog Czar" (pictured at left) has been writing most of the Rogers Park-related blogs that you and I are familiar with. He has used many names and worn many faces, but this exclusive ILEAE photo reveals his true appearance.

Rogers Park blogs he is responsible for include: The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park; Rogers Park Neighbor; Rogers Park Forever; Rogers Park Rake; And That's My Opinion; David Fagus's blog; The North Coast; The Trash Detective; and The Living Room in Rogers Park.

Experts also suspect that he is behind many other blogs that have little or nothing to do with Rogers Park. The Blog Czar allegedly writes: Hot Dog Fingers; Landscape Design; Queelin Guy; and Maxdon: A Guide to So-So Parenting.

The report has caused cries of horror, surprise, and apathy (amongst others) throughout the blogosphere which is unlikely to ever be the same.

The Sweet Smell of Reconciliation

As Rebecca said in the comment section, this is the home of love and so how could I pass this up?

It appears that two local bloggers who have long been at each other's throats are making positive steps towards reconciliation. In the comment section of a recent post on Tom Westgard's Rogers Park Rake, Craig Gernhardt (of The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park) said, "Hey Tommy boy...you wan[t] to come down to Tennessee this weekend[?]"

Westgard has yet to publicly respond to this touching invitation.

No word yet on whether Gernhardt planned on paying Westgard's expenses, nor whether a similar invitation was extended to Tom Mannis (Rogers Park Bench.)

Must Read Report about a Must Read Report

According to Tom Mannis over at Rogers Park Bench, Craig Gernhardt at The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park has written a report that is a must-read!

According to Mannis, Gernhardt's report is "stunning" and contains words such as "allegedly" and "company".

FULL REPORT...

Officials Say Blog Titles Running Low

It seems that the nation's 5th bloggiest 'nabe' is causing problems on a worldwide scale by using up a nonrenewable natural resource. No, it's not coal or oil -- it's blog names.

Representatives from blogger.com, hosts of over 3.5 million blogs (short for 'weblogs') say that they are running low on site names on their blogspot.com hosting server.

"Just last week, someone took three more names, bringing us down to a scant 43 names left," said Sally Dupree, spokesperson for the site. "If this keeps up, there won't be anything left."

She added, "Many of the blogs aren't even real blogs but just point to other blogs."

Dupree refused to comment on which names remained out of concerns that the final possible names would all be taken by one person. Some bloggers have as many as six blogs on the blogspot site.

Related: Report: Only 7 Band Names Remaining

We Are All Gonna Die

US scientists discover new, incredibly insanely lethally deadly bacteria

In a dramatic case of microbial sleuthing, US scientists said they have discovered a new, ludicrously deadly strain of bacteria previously unknown to medicine.


The bacteria was found in a 43-year-old American woman who had traveled across Peru for three weeks and suffered from symptoms similar to typhoid fever or malaria. The woman has since died in a manner so excruciatingly painful that not even the shlocky shock news reporters at Yahoo dared to describe it. Read More...

Life Imitating Art Imitating Life

Last night, I was lucky enough to catch a particularly compelling episode of "The Simpsons" titled "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes". In the episode, Homer buys a computer and sets up a web page (with the tagline "All the Muck That's Fit to Rake) where, as "Mr. X", he begins posting about various problems and issues facing the town of Springfield. He starts off about a especially troublesome pothole:

% Later that night, Homer's Web page hasn't gotten a single hit.  Lisa
% tells her father that a successful page has to offer people
% something, like jokes or opinions.
%
% Just then, the screech of car tires is heard outside.  The car hits
% the pothole and the wheel comes off.  It smashes through the front
% window and lands in front of the fireplace.

Homer: That lousy pothole.  Why don't they fix it?
Bart: [walks in with a cookie and a glass of milk] I heard Mayor 
 Quimby spent the street repair fund on a secret swimming 
 pool for himself.
Homer: Get out.  Who told you that?
Bart: Nelson.
Homer: Hmmm.  That's the kind of dirt that belongs on my web 
 page.
Lisa: You can't post that on the Internet.  You don't even know 
 if it's true!
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey.  Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful, we have confirmation.  [Lisa sighs in 
 exasperation]

Homer starts racking up the hits on his website:

% We switch to Principal Skinner at home.  He is also reading Mr. X's
% scoop.

Skinner: Our mayor is corrupt?  Mr. "X" has done this town a 
  great service, despite his poor grammar and 
  spelling.
Agnes:  Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?
Skinner: No, Mother.
Agnes:  You sissy!

His site is even mentioned on the local news:

Kent: A new Internet watchdog is creating a stir in Springfield.  
 Mr. "X", if that is real name, has come up with a 
 sensational scoop.
Homer: [watching at home] Darn tooting!
Kent: But we must never forget that the real news is on local 
 TV, delivered by real officially licensed newsmen, like 
 me, Kent Brockman.  Coming up: how do they get those dogs 
 to talk on the beer commercials?  [a reporter in a big 
 cowboy hat appears] Cowboy Steve will tell you!

People begin wondering about the true identity of Mr. X:

Lenny: According to my uncle, Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful 
 as she seems.  Word is she uses appearance-altering 
 cosmetics.
Moe: Oh my God, that's shocking.
Carl: The public should be warned.  I wish Mr. "X" was here.
Homer: [slyly] Oh, I don't know, Carl, he might be closer than 
 you think.
Carl: Are you him?  Are you Mr. "X"?
Homer: No.
Carl: But you talked in the real sly voice.  Hey, hey, 
 everybody!  Homer's Mr. "X".
Homer: I am not! ... [slyly] or am I?
Lenny: Are you?
Homer: No.

Homer breaks a big story about Mr. Burns selling plutonium to terrorists and Mr. X is rewarded for his efforts:

Woman:  We'd like to award this years Pulitzer prize to Mr. 
  "X".  Unfortunately, we don't know who he is, so his
  cash award will be used to feed starving children.
Homer:  Noooo!  [runs down to podium]
Homer:  I'm Mr. "X"!  Gimme, gimme!
Woman:  We'll need some proof.
Homer:  [Homer puts Mr. "X" hood on head] Ta-Da!
Krabappel: He _is_ Mr. "X"!  Hah!
Homer:  Thank you folks, and now I'm off to expose more 
  secret conspiracies and ...
  [walks into a pole, since he has the hood on his 
  head still]
  Oh, I bit by tongue.

Homer finds, however, that now that people know that he is Mr. X, they will no longer have conversations around him. He finds himself in a bind:

Homer: Oh, nobody's visiting my web page anymore.  My counter is 
 actually going down.
 [we see a tumbleweed bounce across his web site, as his 
 counter rapidly decreases]
Lisa: Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
Homer: That's a great idea!  I'll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer prize when you say that.

Real news no longer holds any interest for Homer:

Nelson: Hey, Mr. "X", I've got a tip for you.  They're dissecting 
 frozen hobos in Science class.  And I've got the bindles 
 to prove it.  [holds up some empty bindles]
Homer: Real news is great, son, But I'm getting a thousand hits 
 an hour with Grade-A bullplop.

(quotes from http://www.snpp.com/episodes/CABF02)

So anyhow -- draw your own parallels, coincidences, meaning, and import.

Mistaken Identities

My identity, once the subject of much debate, had mostly become the subject about which nobody cared. And frankly, that's the way I'd like to keep it.

However, on a recent post, Tom Westgard of the Rogers Park Rake stated that I am Tom Mannis of the Rogers Park Bench. At first I thought that this was just a baseless accusation/assumption, but in the comments section of that article Westgard states that Mannis actually admitted to being me.

This is not true. Don't you all remember? I'm Joe Moore. No wait, I'm Craig. No wait, I'm Charlie. Oh shit -- who am I?

Who am I? A friend of mine wants to know why you insist on wringing all the mysteries out of life. You haven't felt this way since before your parents told you about Santa Claus, or halfway through The Usual Suspects when you wondered who Keyser Soze was. Just leave well enough alone.

There are no cicadas

It's all a right-wing conspiracy hoax, people. They would have you believe that the aliens dropped cicada eggs into the soil 17 years ago in order to have them hatch this week. It's all a scare tactic -- they're trying to keep you inside and afraid while they go out and dance around like Kathy Bates on a 2-week Twinkie bender. Don't believe their bullshit. The bugs aren't coming, and the aliens don't exist.

Meanwhile, it's going to be 87 fucking degrees today. Can anyone say global warming? I know I can.

GLOBAL FUCKING WARMING.

Geriatric Goon

So, the other day, I was walking near one of our local restaurants, minding my own business, when this old woman comes up behind me, hits me a couple times with Don Gordon's baseball bat, and grabs my purse -- yeah, I carry a purse, so what? -- and starts running off with it. I quickly caught up to her and grabbed it back and then fled in fear. As I was running away, I noticed I was being chased by a local elected official. "It's my purse, you bastard!" I shouted. He yelled back, "Drop it!"

I jumped a fence and rounded a corner and ran straight into a reporter from ABC news who was eager to get my side of the story. Impressively, she managed to keep pace with me as I ran. Not so impressive was her mangling of every quote I gave her.

Stupid Game

Not only is that game pretty boring, but I guess I'm not even any good at it -- apparently my technorati search wasn't very good, because while it pulled up a dead page over at the Rogers Park Bench -- excuse me, the Revolutionary People's Bench -- it must have somehow gotten bad information. Anyhow, the funny article about Mike Harrington does exist, but just at this different location.


Crap -- this is altogether far too lucid and coherent for our (read as "my") new look and feel over here. My apologies. This should make up for it:

They're coming to get me...I mean, us! I mean, it's the end days and whatnot! Help!

A Game to Keep our Minds From our Troubles

I learned a new game! It's called 'Find the Deleted Posts'!

Here's how we play -- we remember posts on someone's blog that they deleted and then we post the cached version.....

Like this!

Limping Along: Gordon Election Party (cached version)

Not only is it super fun but it obviously points out to everyone who reads it that the person who did the deleting is a hypocrite! ... or something like that. Because, people aren't allowed to make changes (like you can't be against someone and talk shit about them and then turn around and endorse or support them -- that's a no-no!)

Oh forget it. That game's just fucking boring.

Uhoh. They're out to get me...

Well now I'm just going to seem hypocritical, because it appears that they are out to get me. Just when I thought everything was cool, it seems that it is not. I don't want to appear paranoid or anything, but I think the UFOs are closing in.

Plus, the aliens are causing global warming, even though it's cold outside. Take that, sense of reason!

Paranoia

Have I talked about paranoia before? I suppose that the messianic complex comes close to what I've been seeing lately, but some of this shit is bordering on a martyr complex which is described as being an 'exaggerated desire for self-sacrifice.' But honestly, there are some seriously straight-up paranoid people out there.

I'm not going to get into a lengthy description of what paranoia's all about, nor am I going to name names (we all remember what happened when I did that, well before all our current troubles began -- the simple naming of a name lead to a discussion I'd never have again, were I to have my druthers.) What I would like to do is urge some caution: those of you who would dedicate your lives to developing the most outrageous of conspiracy theories and then put yourself smack dab in the middle of the conspiracy, as a target or the subject are insane. There's no way around it. What would you say to the person who thinks the government is chasing him down with black helicopters, covering-up alien landings and implanting probes within our buttocks?

Also: if you donate money to a blogger, you're an idiot. That said, if you'd like to send some money to me, Archie Gait, I will not object...

I'm Still Around

My ears were burning. My heart beat faster. Someone must have been talking about me. Lo and behold, it was my good friend Craig Gernhardt over at the Broken Heart of Rogers Park.

Craig laments that I have faded away. I know the feeling. I miss me too. Rather, I miss all of you, the good people who with wit, charm and charisma, have welcomed me into the fold of the Rogers Park blogging community. It is you who have made all my efforts worthwhile.

Craig says that I never really told you who I am. I disagree. I sign each post with my name. It's a good name and I'm proud of it.

Once again, there is speculation about my being employed by Joe Moore or his offices, which to this day remains one of my favorite paranoid conspiracy theories of all time. It's not true.

Let me prove it to you once and for all by announcing my official endorsement of a candidate for alderman of the 49th ward. It's not Joe. It's not Jim. Neither is it Chris, nor Don. It's not even Craig.

It's me.

Archie Gait. If you only vote for one aldermanic candidate this election, make it a vote for Archie.

Hell of a slogan, huh?

Not Blogging Is Easy

Man, I thought that taking a sabbatical from blogging was going to be tough but it turns out that it's really easy. I don't miss it at all. I don't feel like I have to be "on" all the time anymore. It's been really relaxing to just be good ol' Archie and not have to do the performance that I put on for the visitors to the site.

It's also great not reading or commenting on other blogs. A weight has been lifted from my life. I don't need to get sucked into the negativity and hostility that pervade the Rogers Park blogs these days. It's as if nobody cares about anything other than yelling the loudest, talking the most shit and being the biggest asshole they can possibly be. No more of that for me! I found that it had begun to infect my own thoughts and I was doing nothing more than trying to dig up dirt on certain people. Fortunately, even though I found a bunch of material (and published some of it) I was able to exercise restraint and not trivialize the very important world of blogs with petty crap. Thank goodness. I'll just have to forget about the juicy bits concerning all the racism and digital vandalism that are waiting to be posted. Be strong, Archie. Be strong!

Anyhow -- this is going really well!

A Blogging Sabbatical

Recently, Tom Westgard announced that he was taking a sabbatical from blogging and my advisors have informed me that it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to do the same, so starting today, I shall not be blogging for a period of about 1 month.

I'll see you after the general elections.

Athlete Does the Unthinkable

Wes Cavalier, local athlete, has recently participated in several activities involving competition and physical exertion. This stinks of athletics.