But I've felt like everybody else is doing a pretty good job of talking about everything that needs (and doesn't need) to be talked about. I've been keeping my distance, figuring out what my next move is and I've come up with these three options:
- Sitting outside, looking at the flowers, taking deep breaths, feeling like the calm center of the universe that I know I should be.
- Telling everyone to fuck off and die.
- Running for Alderman.
So, while I was sitting outside, looking at the flowers, and taking those deep breaths so I would have enough air in my lungs to yell "Fuck off and die!" at everyone walking past, I realized something. I realized that number 3 was the only valid option.
That's right -- you heard it here first. It's time for Archie T.S. Gait to throw his hat into the ring, make his presence felt, and let his voice be heard not just by the nerds who read this fake crap on the internet, but by everybody who bothers to pay attention to what their alderman says. So here we go, my little friends. It's going to be a long, hard road, but with my team of dedicated volunteers and the vast amounts of cash at my disposal, I know that we can win this one and truly make the 49th ward the place that everyone thinks that they want to think that it can be.
So remember: the other guys are bad. Archie T.S. Gait is good. That is all you'll ever need to know.
5 comments:
A name like Archie will get you the insect vote. Well, probably.
Tom -- this is a very interesting point, and I'm glad you brought this up. My six years of experience working as a member -- and eventually as the chairman -- of the Insect Relations Board taught me quite a bit. At least 85% of the insects in our neighborhood are living from paycheck to paycheck, can't afford decent housing, and are unable to send their children to quality schools.
As Alderman, I promise that I will fight for the rights of every insect in this beautiful city of ours. No chitin left behind!
While your service on that board is a very impressive qualification, it's always important not to take your core vote for granted. For example, I think night-flying moths that humans never see or hear from will probably feel a kinship to the Chris Adams campaign.
I also think the emerald ash borer beetle will like the Don Gordon campaign. Given that alertness, vigilance, and prompt action are key to invasive beetle control, they'll probably like how he handled that Loyola Marina situation: retrospectively.
Can maggots vote, or are they eligible only after the molting?
Tom -- I have to admit that it's very exciting to hear such enthusiasm on this issue so quickly, but I really hadn't planned on starting my campaign with a focus on the insect population. My campaign manager has me scheduled to sit on a discussion panel at the International Insect Exposition at McCormick Place on August 3rd of this year and I had planned on using that as a springboard to discuss these issues. If you're interested in attending, contact my office and they'll set you up with a pass or two.
That said, I would like to address your comments. My esteemed opponent, Chris Adams, has made a lot of his ties to these night-flying moths, but as you said, we humans never see or hear them. I'd like to ask if we can be certain that they even exist. Is it not possible that Mister Adams is inventing these moths just to garner some sympathy with other insect voters? I've been in the trenches; I've gotten my hands dirty. I have been there. I'm not certain that Mister Adams has. It's incredibly easy to cater to an imaginary population.
As for the emerald ash borer beetle, these creatures do not reside within Illinois, much less the 49th ward. They are active only in Michigan, Indiana and Ohio. Frankly, this is a demographic that I can do without. The damage they do to ash trees is substantial and when I am elected Alderman, I will do all I can to see to it that we never have to deal with the chaos that these beasts can cause. Will I call the National Guard? Yes. Will I erect a wall to protect our borders? You bet. Don Gordon can have his emerald ash borers. I don't want them, and I don't think anybody else does either.
Your question about maggots is very intriguing. Currently, one of my staffers is looking into this. I will hopefully have an answer for you shortly.
Ah, just what we need - some humor injected into the upcoming buffoonery.
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