Evil, Evil Republicans

Some will say that he hasn't gotten a fair shake; that the only perspective we have on him is skewed by the "liberal media." I say that we don't need his kind. He is evil, through and through.

Who am I talking about? Well just look at this banner ad I discovered today:



That's right -- the Republicans are endorsing the archnemesis of Harry Potter: he who shall not be named; the evilest of evil wizards: Voldemort.

I always knew they were evil, but I didn't realize that they were this evil.

Sweeping Issues Under the Rug

I don't normally do this but I feel myself compelled to pull quotes from another blog.

This evening, while reading the "Broken Heart" of Rogers Park looking for updated news on one of the more important issues of recent times -- namely the blatant and willful cutting down of a tent in the park -- I came across this very disturbing comment from Kathleen Hogan:

Sorry, Craig, it was Mother Nature who blew down the little paint tent, not mischief-makers. As for the human excrement, I was not informed; when walking in the park, most humans must be careful not to step into unpicked-up dog leavings.

I feel that it is this sort of avoidance of the issues that is keeping Rogers Park from being the utopian neighborhood that it could be. Mother Nature? Really? Next they'll be claiming that it was a "big bad wolf" who "huffed and puffed" and blew the tent down.

It brings to mind another situation where "Mother Nature" was blamed for such destruction. Buildings were destroyed, people lost their homes, lives were lost and ruined. Everyone was so quick to cast the blame on "Mother Nature" and yet we learned in the months that followed that it was actually the federal government's fault and had nothing whatsoever to do with "Mother Nature."

This stinks of more than just the "human excrement" left behind. This smells of a cover-up.

Another guy

This guy doesn't give a rat's ass about you or Rogers Park.

I do.

Remember that.

Posters

Just got the new posters in. I think they look great and we're all really excited about them. Expect to see them up in the neighborhood (don't worry -- they'll be legally placed and securely attached) soon, but for now, here's a sneak peek!

"Opening the Gait"

Opening the Gait
by Edgar Steintip
Alderman's Health Magazine Vol. 23 Issue 6 June 2006.
Reprinted with permission.

Chicago's 49th ward lies within the boundaries of its Rogers Park neighborhood -- the most diversely populated neighborhood in an incredibly diverse city. There are more languages, skin tones and sexual preferences represented in this neighborhood than any other in the city making the governance of the area a considerable challenge.

Currently the 49th ward is run by Alderman Joe Moore, who has been in power since 1991. However, his popularity is flagging and there are many highly qualified candidates poised to upset the incumbent and take the 49th ward in new directions.

The most recent of these candidates is Archie T.S. Gait, who announced his intention to run in a post on his blog just last week. Virtually unknown in the political scene, Mr. Gait is definitely the underdog in this already tough election. I had the opportunity to speak with him immediately following his announcement.

AHM: In your announcement, you said that you felt your only options were to either tell everyone to 'fuck off' or to run for alderman. Why do you feel you had so few choices?

Archie Gait: Well, let me first clarify that I do not feel that those two options are mutually exclusive. I'm considering running on an "everyone fuck off" platform that my staff is incredibly excited about.

AHM: Duly noted. But why those two things? Why not just take a vacation? Or start knitting? You have little political experience and virtually no name recognition.

AG: It really just felt like the right thing to do. I mean, it seemed like everyone else was doing it. Or is about to do it. Or wants to do it. It looked like a whole lot of fun and I wanted in.

AHM: So you're running on a whim.

AG: Isn't everyone else?

AHM: You've kept your true identity shrouded in a veil of secrecy. Why all the mystery?

AG: [laughing] That's a hell of a description -- "a veil of secrecy." Did you learn that in your journalism class? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Um, yeah. Look -- I'm sick of all this talk about 'Who is Archie Gait? Is it this person? Is it that person?' Archie Gait is Archie Gait. There's nothing more to it than that. Nobody keeps asking 'Who is Joe Moore?' or 'Who is Tom Westgard?' We're all just people. I am who I say i am -- dedicated, concerned, caring, loving. I have no secrets.

AHM: So why did you refuse to meet me face to face?

AG: I would have loved to have met you in person, but I'm a very busy man. I've got several different engagments today. Plus, I'm shy. Did I mention that?

AHM: Some people believe that you don't even live in Rogers Park. Is that true?

AG: Of course I live in Rogers Park. Do you think I'd spend all this time here if I didn't? Rogers Park is a great place to live but a terrible place to visit. That's what I'm going to be working on as alderman.

AHM: Why do you say it's a terrible place to visit?

AG: There's nothing here. There's no reason to come here. Sure, we've got a few restaurants and bars and a theater or two, a couple miles of beach, but that's it. There are dozens of places in the city where you can find that and a parking spot to boot.

AHM: Why do you think that is?

AG: There's a lot of people in this neighborhood who don't know what they want. They think they want the neighborhood to be a better place, but they try to block every attempt to make it better. They scoff at everyone who makes an effort to change things. They spend all their time finding faults as opposed to celebrating the positive.

AHM: Celebrating the positive seems to be what you're all about.

AG: Absolutely. That's why I started my blog, "I Love Everything and Everyone." It's admittedly a little tongue in cheek, but the main purpose was to find some little thing related to the neighborhood and point out its good side.

AHM: You've made some enemies doing that though.

AG: Well, some people just can't take a fucking joke.

AHM: Any final thoughts you'd like to share with our readers?

AG: Just that everyone should know that as alderman, I'm not going to waste everyone's time with smoking bans and foie gras bans and other trivial things meant to distract the populace from the true issues at hand. That's such a Bush tactic. I'm going to focus on the important things: getting rid of the slumlords and the drug dealers; improving the local infrastructure; and finally bringing the amusement park to Rogers Park that we all want.

AHM: Wait. What? Amusement park?

AG: You'll see. Good day!

The Big Announcement

"It's been a while since I rapped at ya..."

But I've felt like everybody else is doing a pretty good job of talking about everything that needs (and doesn't need) to be talked about. I've been keeping my distance, figuring out what my next move is and I've come up with these three options:

1. Sitting outside, looking at the flowers, taking deep breaths, feeling like the calm center of the universe that I know I should be.


2. Telling everyone to fuck off and die.


3. Running for Alderman.

So, while I was sitting outside, looking at the flowers, and taking those deep breaths so I would have enough air in my lungs to yell "Fuck off and die!" at everyone walking past, I realized something. I realized that number 3 was the only valid option.

That's right -- you heard it here first. It's time for Archie T.S. Gait to throw his hat into the ring, make his presence felt, and let his voice be heard not just by the nerds who read this fake crap on the internet, but by everybody who bothers to pay attention to what their alderman says. So here we go, my little friends. It's going to be a long, hard road, but with my team of dedicated volunteers and the vast amounts of cash at my disposal, I know that we can win this one and truly make the 49th ward the place that everyone thinks that they want to think that it can be.

So remember: the other guys are bad. Archie T.S. Gait is good. That is all you'll ever need to know.