Exclusive Story: It'll knock your socks off!

The Bourne Ultimatum will totally knock your socks off, that is.

Wow, what a great movie. There were fights and chases and crazy shit happening all over the place.

I was blown away!

Parody

According to wikipedia, parody is "a work that imitates another work in order to ridicule, ironically comment on, or poke some affectionate fun at the work itself, the subject of the work, the author or fictional voice of the parody, or another subject."

One should not expect truth from parody. For example, one would not look at an article from The Onion for the truth about current events. Thousands of people did not march on Washington for fresh air and exercise. The Yankees did not decline the Wild Card. A new heart device was not installed in Dick Cheney so that he may experience love. These things are jokes. They are for us to laugh at.

Furthermore, one can not necessarily infer anything about the feelings of the author (or authors) on the subject which they are parodying. As stated in the definition, parody can be used to "poke some affectionate fun" at something else. Certainly, when Saturday Night Live included several parodies of "Celebrity Jeopardy" it was not because they disliked the game show or the celebrities they lampooned, or thought that other game shows were better. They simply found an opportunity to create a humorous sketch which exaggerated the characteristics of the original. Likewise, the "Joe Pesci Show" sketches, which featured Joe Pesci beating up each of his guests were not actual depictions of what the writers of SNL felt about Pesci. It was merely a caricature of characters that Pesci has played.

Anything which is in the public eye is a potential source for parody. Politicians, elements of pop culture, bloggers, and even Wikipedia itself have all been the subject of parodies.

From the Uncyclopedia: "In contemporary usage, parody (otherwise known as a pisstake) is a form of satire that try to imitate another work of art in order to ridicule it but miserably fails. When the attempt to ridicule doesn't fail, it's called plagiarism. Parody exists in all art media, including literature, music, and cinema. It is notable for being significantly better than only one D."

Happy Int'l Day of Non-Violence

It's International Day of Non-Violence. Try not to kill anybody.

Councilman Writes Letter to Dealer

It starts off with the greeting, "Dear Piece of Trash" and it only gets better from there. See the original here.

Parallels

There was a leader in Chicago who many people want replaced. At the very best, one could say that he'd had more off days than on days. At the worst, one could say that he was an overrated, completely incompetent boob.

Many many people were clamoring for his removal and replacement. The problem was that none of the people available to replace him were all that good. Some had once shown some leadership potential, while others seemed like while they wouldn't let anything bad happen, they also wouldn't take charge and make any improvements (though, arguably, that could be better than the current situation).

When he re-won his job, some folks appeared to jump onto his bandwagon, saying "We know he's got problems, but he's better than the alternative. Just because I've criticized him in the past doesn't mean that I necessarily need to choose one of the other people up for the job. They're not necessarily going to be better."

Those folks got lambasted as being hypocrites and traitors. But I saw their point -- even though the leader in question was not doing the job well, it didn't mean that the other choices would do it any better.

On the other hand, some people want to see change for the sake of change. Tom Westgard feels that "it's a step forward to try a new option."

Well, those who want change are going to get it this weekend: Brian Griese is taking over the reins as quarterback of the Chicago Bears. It will be interesting to see if it's better, worse, or different at all. What I do know is that the Bears couldn't keep going the way they were going, and some change was definitely needed. Will it be enough?

Does this all sound very very familiar?

Tooting our Own Horns

We here at I Love Everything and Everyone aren't given to tooting our own horns very often, but this time we just couldn't resist as we have recently been honored by none other than Archie Gait's mother who has bestowed upon us her "Archie's Mom Loves This Site" seal of approval. As if that weren't enough, we've been ranked (using her incredibly precise, but impossible-to-understand rating system) as her number one, most favorite site on the entire internet.

How cool is that?

We promise not to let this go to our head. We'll still be bringing you the most hard hitting nonsense in the blogosphere.

Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public

Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public

NEW BEDFORD, MA—In a true display of democracy, a town hall meeting held at the New Bedford High School auditorium Monday gave the crowd of approximately 550 residents the opportunity to publicly voice every last one of the inane thoughts and concerns they would normally only have the chance to utter to themselves.

The Duck Says....

The duck says, "Eat me, I'm delicious!"

Broken Heart Looking for Love

From Found Magazine.

The Famous Blue Truck

Here's that stupid blue truck everyone's been following around -- parking illegally again in front of a red fire hydrant.

Curse you blue truck!

This is a possum

The possum says, "Meow!"

To whom it may concern:

To the jackass with the air horn running around Pratt & Newgard, blasting it at 11:30PM last night, you can run, but you can't hide. You may have been faster than me last night, but I'm in training, and I'm coming for you.

Teamist Idiots at Sun-Times

This latest evidence of the rampant teamism and stupidity over at the Chicago Sun-Times really pisses me off. Those morons have written an article titled "Another Day in the Coliseum" which details the White Sox loss to the Oakland Athletics yesterday in Oakland, California and mentions that the Sox are now 6-24 at the Oakland ballpark.

That might seem all well and good, but why don't those dips at that "newspaper" mention anything about the Cubs in the article? Have the Cubs never played at the Coliseum? What sort of records do the White Sox have at other ballparks, such as Shea Stadium? Who would win in a game between the Chicago White Sox and the Justice League of America, another team completely ignored by this one-sided, idiotic article.

Touché

A Puppy in a Garden?

Is it even possible?

You bet'cha it is!

A lovely couple

I didn't have a camera, so this artist's rendering will have to do.

Funny Chicago Times quote

"The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States."

Giraffe

The giraffe says "moo."

A Year Without "Made in China"

A Year Without "Made in China" follows journalist Sara Bongiorni on her quest to keep her family free of Chinese-made products for one year. She humorously describes just how difficult it is to keep her husband, two children, and herself, fed, clothed, and entertained while avoiding anything made in China. I highly recommend this book for anyone who's considering going on a similar boycott, or for anyone who thinks it would be easy as pie.

Bloomberg news calls it, "a wry look at the ingenuity it takes to shun the planet's fastest-growing economy."

A crisis of cookware

We need less of this:

"Grr!"

and more of this:

Rogers Pork

The pig says, "Oink oink!"

This is a puppy

Walking More Harmful Than Driving

Hat-tip to my buddy Dave for pointing this one out to me:

Walking does more than driving to cause global warming, a leading environmentalist has calculated.

Food production is now so energy-intensive that more carbon is emitted providing a person with enough calories to walk to the shops than a car would emit over the same distance. The climate could benefit if people avoided exercise, ate less and became couch potatoes. Provided, of course, they remembered to switch off the TV rather than leaving it on standby. Full story...

Kitty!

Robots in Disguise

I saw Transformers last night. What a cool movie!

People Who Don't Read Blogs are Ignorant and Apathetic

From RogersParkBench: "Those of you who read the blogs are seeking information. You are engaged, you wish to know what's going on. But of RPB's 500-600 daily readers, there remains approximately 60,000 residents of this pitiful two-square mile ward that don't know shit about what's happening right outside their front door."

We here at ILEAE agree wholeheartedly. Those (approximately) 60,000 people who don't read Rogers Park Bench every day are idiots. We've heard all the excuses and think they're all bullshit. They include:

• I don't have access to the internet.


• I'm only six months old.


• I'm 80 years old and don't know what the internet is.


• I write my own blog.


• I prefer to get my news from reputable sources that aren't permanently biased, factually inaccurate, and focused on personal vendettas.

These excuses are ridiculous and we suggest to those (approximately) 60,000 people that perhaps they'd be happier in a different Chicago neighborhood, because we don't need them here.

Study Shows That Tone of Voice Doesn't Always Come Across in Written Word

(That's a hell of a long title.)

A report has come out stating that often times, an author's intended tone fails to come across when it is written down, or posted to a blog. This may lead to readers misunderstanding the author's intent. Verbal cues, which are necessary when expressing such things as sarcasm or irony simply aren't present in the printed word.

For example: Were I to say "I love paying over $3.50 for a gallon of gas," you would immediately be able to tell that I was being sarcastic due to the inflection that I would place on the word "love." This inflection would indicate that I don't actually love paying that much money for a gallon of gas. While this can be difficult to relay in writing, there are many ways that it can be done.

1. Context




• Context can be a very helpful clue when it comes to sarcasm. For instance, if I wrote a paragraph all about how ridiculous it is that gas prices are so high, the current administration's inability to do anything about it, and the like, and then I said, "I just love paying over $3.50 for a gallon of gas," the reader would have some context with which to work. It is unlikely that a careful reader would be confused by an apparent change of feelings about gas prices.


• A danger with relying on context, however, is when an author often present contradictory viewpoints and widely varying stances. When the author is an indefatigable blowhard who is just as likely to enjoy paying an exorbitant sum for gas as he is to believe that gas prices are too high, then the message can be confusing and the reader might not come to the intended conclusions.




2. Text styling




• Another way of indicating sarcasm or irony is through proper uses of text styling. Combined with contextual clues, italic text can go a long way towards presenting the tone of voice that the author intends to use.


• For example, consider this sentence: "Having you in this neighborhood really makes life better for all of us." Now, look at it this way: "Having you in this neighborhood really makes life better for all of us." While this might be confusing without the proper context, when considered in its proper place, the italic text in this sentence will help readers dramatically.
  




3. Just come out and say it




• It works for Homer Simpson. "In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic."

Hopefully, these tips will help you when trying to get a point across to a reader. Remember: tone of voice is very important when it comes to conveying the fact that what you are saying is not exactly what you mean. Also remember that tone of voice is difficult to express in the written word, especially with readers who may not know you or your sense of humor. By no means should you insult or blame your readers if they don't follow -- it's most likely your fault as opposed to theirs.

Which Team Will You Join?

'European Heritage' means 'White Team', right? (from gop.com)

A Hat-Tip, Horn Toot and Back Pat

Big hat-tip over to Craig at The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park for this hat-tip which links back to this article. We're all connected, but really, the only way you'll know anything about anything that's going on in the world is by reading blogs which point you at articles on other blogs.

And here's another hat-tip: when wearing a nice hat (such as a Fedora) do not remove it by the crown. Rather, you should use both hands on the brim to remove the hat. Removing it by the crown will cause the crown to become misshapen.

Literal Response -- The Way to Go!

If there's anything I hate more than figurative language, I don't know what it is. Figurative language is like a knife jammed into my skull, twisting around as it mixes up the vital gray matter contained within. People should only speak literally, without exaggeration, without metaphor or color.

That's why when someone says something, the best response is to take their comment completely literally and turn it right back on them.

For instance, say I've been talking about how much I love fish. I keep going on and on about how great fish are as pets and as dinner entrees. I love fish fish fish.

Then someone says something like, "Oh man, that guy loves bass so much, if he ate any more of it, he'd turn into one!"

That would get my goat. That would fry my chaps. That would raise my dander. My only choice would be to reply, "Hey! I've never said a damn thing about bass. Look through any comment I've ever made and you'll see not one thing about bass. You are incorrect, you jackass!"

That's what I would say.

Some might say that to do so would be ignoring the meat of the message; that a response of that nature would do nothing to further the debate (such as it was). Some might even call me deliberately obtuse or nitpicky or overly literal. Well all of those people can burn in hell. That's right. I said it. And that's all I have to say about that. If someone wants to add to a debate with me, they damn well better be as literal as a value, as opposed to an identifier, written into the source code of a computer program.

Report: Most Blogs Written by Same Person

Came across an interesting study today that will potentially threaten Rogers Park's status as the "5th bloggiest neighborhood." It turns out that most blogs in the area (not including this one, however) are written by the same person.

This so-called "Blog Czar" (pictured at left) has been writing most of the Rogers Park-related blogs that you and I are familiar with. He has used many names and worn many faces, but this exclusive ILEAE photo reveals his true appearance.

Rogers Park blogs he is responsible for include: The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park; Rogers Park Neighbor; Rogers Park Forever; Rogers Park Rake; And That's My Opinion; David Fagus's blog; The North Coast; The Trash Detective; and The Living Room in Rogers Park.

Experts also suspect that he is behind many other blogs that have little or nothing to do with Rogers Park. The Blog Czar allegedly writes: Hot Dog Fingers; Landscape Design; Queelin Guy; and Maxdon: A Guide to So-So Parenting.

The report has caused cries of horror, surprise, and apathy (amongst others) throughout the blogosphere which is unlikely to ever be the same.

The Sweet Smell of Reconciliation

As Rebecca said in the comment section, this is the home of love and so how could I pass this up?

It appears that two local bloggers who have long been at each other's throats are making positive steps towards reconciliation. In the comment section of a recent post on Tom Westgard's Rogers Park Rake, Craig Gernhardt (of The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park) said, "Hey Tommy boy...you wan[t] to come down to Tennessee this weekend[?]"

Westgard has yet to publicly respond to this touching invitation.

No word yet on whether Gernhardt planned on paying Westgard's expenses, nor whether a similar invitation was extended to Tom Mannis (Rogers Park Bench.)

Must Read Report about a Must Read Report

According to Tom Mannis over at Rogers Park Bench, Craig Gernhardt at The 'Broken Heart' of Rogers Park has written a report that is a must-read!

According to Mannis, Gernhardt's report is "stunning" and contains words such as "allegedly" and "company".

FULL REPORT...

Officials Say Blog Titles Running Low

It seems that the nation's 5th bloggiest 'nabe' is causing problems on a worldwide scale by using up a nonrenewable natural resource. No, it's not coal or oil -- it's blog names.

Representatives from blogger.com, hosts of over 3.5 million blogs (short for 'weblogs') say that they are running low on site names on their blogspot.com hosting server.

"Just last week, someone took three more names, bringing us down to a scant 43 names left," said Sally Dupree, spokesperson for the site. "If this keeps up, there won't be anything left."

She added, "Many of the blogs aren't even real blogs but just point to other blogs."

Dupree refused to comment on which names remained out of concerns that the final possible names would all be taken by one person. Some bloggers have as many as six blogs on the blogspot site.

Related: Report: Only 7 Band Names Remaining

We Are All Gonna Die

US scientists discover new, incredibly insanely lethally deadly bacteria

In a dramatic case of microbial sleuthing, US scientists said they have discovered a new, ludicrously deadly strain of bacteria previously unknown to medicine.


The bacteria was found in a 43-year-old American woman who had traveled across Peru for three weeks and suffered from symptoms similar to typhoid fever or malaria. The woman has since died in a manner so excruciatingly painful that not even the shlocky shock news reporters at Yahoo dared to describe it. Read More...

Life Imitating Art Imitating Life

Last night, I was lucky enough to catch a particularly compelling episode of "The Simpsons" titled "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes". In the episode, Homer buys a computer and sets up a web page (with the tagline "All the Muck That's Fit to Rake) where, as "Mr. X", he begins posting about various problems and issues facing the town of Springfield. He starts off about a especially troublesome pothole:

% Later that night, Homer's Web page hasn't gotten a single hit.  Lisa
% tells her father that a successful page has to offer people
% something, like jokes or opinions.
%
% Just then, the screech of car tires is heard outside.  The car hits
% the pothole and the wheel comes off.  It smashes through the front
% window and lands in front of the fireplace.

Homer: That lousy pothole.  Why don't they fix it?
Bart: [walks in with a cookie and a glass of milk] I heard Mayor 
 Quimby spent the street repair fund on a secret swimming 
 pool for himself.
Homer: Get out.  Who told you that?
Bart: Nelson.
Homer: Hmmm.  That's the kind of dirt that belongs on my web 
 page.
Lisa: You can't post that on the Internet.  You don't even know 
 if it's true!
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey.  Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful, we have confirmation.  [Lisa sighs in 
 exasperation]

Homer starts racking up the hits on his website:

% We switch to Principal Skinner at home.  He is also reading Mr. X's
% scoop.

Skinner: Our mayor is corrupt?  Mr. "X" has done this town a 
  great service, despite his poor grammar and 
  spelling.
Agnes:  Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?
Skinner: No, Mother.
Agnes:  You sissy!

His site is even mentioned on the local news:

Kent: A new Internet watchdog is creating a stir in Springfield.  
 Mr. "X", if that is real name, has come up with a 
 sensational scoop.
Homer: [watching at home] Darn tooting!
Kent: But we must never forget that the real news is on local 
 TV, delivered by real officially licensed newsmen, like 
 me, Kent Brockman.  Coming up: how do they get those dogs 
 to talk on the beer commercials?  [a reporter in a big 
 cowboy hat appears] Cowboy Steve will tell you!

People begin wondering about the true identity of Mr. X:

Lenny: According to my uncle, Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful 
 as she seems.  Word is she uses appearance-altering 
 cosmetics.
Moe: Oh my God, that's shocking.
Carl: The public should be warned.  I wish Mr. "X" was here.
Homer: [slyly] Oh, I don't know, Carl, he might be closer than 
 you think.
Carl: Are you him?  Are you Mr. "X"?
Homer: No.
Carl: But you talked in the real sly voice.  Hey, hey, 
 everybody!  Homer's Mr. "X".
Homer: I am not! ... [slyly] or am I?
Lenny: Are you?
Homer: No.

Homer breaks a big story about Mr. Burns selling plutonium to terrorists and Mr. X is rewarded for his efforts:

Woman:  We'd like to award this years Pulitzer prize to Mr. 
  "X".  Unfortunately, we don't know who he is, so his
  cash award will be used to feed starving children.
Homer:  Noooo!  [runs down to podium]
Homer:  I'm Mr. "X"!  Gimme, gimme!
Woman:  We'll need some proof.
Homer:  [Homer puts Mr. "X" hood on head] Ta-Da!
Krabappel: He _is_ Mr. "X"!  Hah!
Homer:  Thank you folks, and now I'm off to expose more 
  secret conspiracies and ...
  [walks into a pole, since he has the hood on his 
  head still]
  Oh, I bit by tongue.

Homer finds, however, that now that people know that he is Mr. X, they will no longer have conversations around him. He finds himself in a bind:

Homer: Oh, nobody's visiting my web page anymore.  My counter is 
 actually going down.
 [we see a tumbleweed bounce across his web site, as his 
 counter rapidly decreases]
Lisa: Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
Homer: That's a great idea!  I'll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer prize when you say that.

Real news no longer holds any interest for Homer:

Nelson: Hey, Mr. "X", I've got a tip for you.  They're dissecting 
 frozen hobos in Science class.  And I've got the bindles 
 to prove it.  [holds up some empty bindles]
Homer: Real news is great, son, But I'm getting a thousand hits 
 an hour with Grade-A bullplop.

(quotes from http://www.snpp.com/episodes/CABF02)

So anyhow -- draw your own parallels, coincidences, meaning, and import.

Mistaken Identities

My identity, once the subject of much debate, had mostly become the subject about which nobody cared. And frankly, that's the way I'd like to keep it.

However, on a recent post, Tom Westgard of the Rogers Park Rake stated that I am Tom Mannis of the Rogers Park Bench. At first I thought that this was just a baseless accusation/assumption, but in the comments section of that article Westgard states that Mannis actually admitted to being me.

This is not true. Don't you all remember? I'm Joe Moore. No wait, I'm Craig. No wait, I'm Charlie. Oh shit -- who am I?

Who am I? A friend of mine wants to know why you insist on wringing all the mysteries out of life. You haven't felt this way since before your parents told you about Santa Claus, or halfway through The Usual Suspects when you wondered who Keyser Soze was. Just leave well enough alone.

There are no cicadas

It's all a right-wing conspiracy hoax, people. They would have you believe that the aliens dropped cicada eggs into the soil 17 years ago in order to have them hatch this week. It's all a scare tactic -- they're trying to keep you inside and afraid while they go out and dance around like Kathy Bates on a 2-week Twinkie bender. Don't believe their bullshit. The bugs aren't coming, and the aliens don't exist.

Meanwhile, it's going to be 87 fucking degrees today. Can anyone say global warming? I know I can.

GLOBAL FUCKING WARMING.

Geriatric Goon

So, the other day, I was walking near one of our local restaurants, minding my own business, when this old woman comes up behind me, hits me a couple times with Don Gordon's baseball bat, and grabs my purse -- yeah, I carry a purse, so what? -- and starts running off with it. I quickly caught up to her and grabbed it back and then fled in fear. As I was running away, I noticed I was being chased by a local elected official. "It's my purse, you bastard!" I shouted. He yelled back, "Drop it!"

I jumped a fence and rounded a corner and ran straight into a reporter from ABC news who was eager to get my side of the story. Impressively, she managed to keep pace with me as I ran. Not so impressive was her mangling of every quote I gave her.

Stupid Game

Not only is that game pretty boring, but I guess I'm not even any good at it -- apparently my technorati search wasn't very good, because while it pulled up a dead page over at the Rogers Park Bench -- excuse me, the Revolutionary People's Bench -- it must have somehow gotten bad information. Anyhow, the funny article about Mike Harrington does exist, but just at this different location.


Crap -- this is altogether far too lucid and coherent for our (read as "my") new look and feel over here. My apologies. This should make up for it:

They're coming to get me...I mean, us! I mean, it's the end days and whatnot! Help!

A Game to Keep our Minds From our Troubles

I learned a new game! It's called 'Find the Deleted Posts'!

Here's how we play -- we remember posts on someone's blog that they deleted and then we post the cached version.....

Like this!

Limping Along: Gordon Election Party (cached version)

Not only is it super fun but it obviously points out to everyone who reads it that the person who did the deleting is a hypocrite! ... or something like that. Because, people aren't allowed to make changes (like you can't be against someone and talk shit about them and then turn around and endorse or support them -- that's a no-no!)

Oh forget it. That game's just fucking boring.

Uhoh. They're out to get me...

Well now I'm just going to seem hypocritical, because it appears that they are out to get me. Just when I thought everything was cool, it seems that it is not. I don't want to appear paranoid or anything, but I think the UFOs are closing in.

Plus, the aliens are causing global warming, even though it's cold outside. Take that, sense of reason!

Paranoia

Have I talked about paranoia before? I suppose that the messianic complex comes close to what I've been seeing lately, but some of this shit is bordering on a martyr complex which is described as being an 'exaggerated desire for self-sacrifice.' But honestly, there are some seriously straight-up paranoid people out there.

I'm not going to get into a lengthy description of what paranoia's all about, nor am I going to name names (we all remember what happened when I did that, well before all our current troubles began -- the simple naming of a name lead to a discussion I'd never have again, were I to have my druthers.) What I would like to do is urge some caution: those of you who would dedicate your lives to developing the most outrageous of conspiracy theories and then put yourself smack dab in the middle of the conspiracy, as a target or the subject are insane. There's no way around it. What would you say to the person who thinks the government is chasing him down with black helicopters, covering-up alien landings and implanting probes within our buttocks?

Also: if you donate money to a blogger, you're an idiot. That said, if you'd like to send some money to me, Archie Gait, I will not object...